Here's just something  I wrote during NaNo. Whether or not it becomes a part of my project, I don't know. But it does give you a glimpse into my soul.

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            I have a spiritual, creative, loving personality. My type just does not often fit into this materialistic, excluding, conforming world and we tend to feel beat up, defeated, worn out. We're surrounded by others who discourage us and only want what's best for us and don't want us to be disappointed by life when things don't work out the way we wanted them to. When we're constantly dissuaded from doing what we want to do, the things that bring joy to our lives, we feel defeated. We have the choice to conform to what everyone else says is the right and responsible way to live our lives and give up who we are or we can try to find a middle ground where we're the responsible one by day and the reckless creative type by night or we can just give up because we just can't walk away from who we are and we can't be who other people wants us to be.

               For people like me, it's either black or white. Taking the middle ground leads toward being who others want us to be rather than toward who we want to be. It destroys us to be split between two worlds. We either give up on our dreams, become dead inside or we check out on life and don't work unless we have to, have the electric shut off or live on our best friends sofa.

               We don't know how to make money doing what we love or we've been convinced that we can't make money at it. We don't have the constitution to work for others whose bottom line is the almighty dollar. It wears us out, draining us of our energy so that we have none left to do what we love to do. We seek solitude and isolation to rejuvenate our energy. We build walls around ourselves to protect ourselves from the evil in the world.  We become hermits and we're looked upon by the world as egocentric (if we have money), narcissistic, self absorbed or totally irresponsible. In reality, we just don't want to be hurt anymore. We give up on taking the risks of relationships, friendships, and creative endeavors because they've just become too painful. We create our own little worlds because the real world is just too chaotic. We feel safe and in control in our cocoons and only grudgingly leave them when it's absolutely necessary. We long for human contact and to make a difference in the world but the pain of past experiences keep our hearts, if not our bodies, locked away from hurtful, glaring, accusing eyes.

               And then we die alone, with our music, our poems, our paintings and sculptures, our stories and plays and novels, our words of wisdom and encouragement, and our love still locked inside of us, to be lost in that moment, never to exist again.