So I'm reading the book "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now: How to Create Your Second Life After 40" by Barbara Sher and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. According to Barbara Shea, I should rejoice at turning 40. I am now free of the restraints placed upon me at a young age by others to fit in, be responsible, don't embarrass others, participate in securing the survival of the species. It's time to live my life for myself.

I've never fit in, most would says I've never been all that responsible (or maybe I've been too responsible in being irresponsible--never mind), apparently I embarrass most people and I've certainly not secured the survival of the species; not married and probably never will be, no children and probably not have any and I don't play well with others.

Where does that leave me? I'm still waiting for my first life to start.

I've always known that turning 40 would be a major threshold in my life but never really sure why or how. Is it now time to revisit my dreams for the future or time to give them up? I feel like everything takes so much energy and effort these days. Is that normal? I've racked my brain (and that of others) trying to remember where I found enjoyment. I found enjoyment in my writing since I was 14 but there have been so many disappointments, setbacks, discouragement, a general lack of moral support and I seem to sabotage myself so often that even that enjoyment has wained. And setting goals for myself, no matter how small or big, seem to be anti-motivators; I come to a complete standstill even if I'm excited about a project.

I used to fantasize about falling in love but I'm so disillusioned with relationships that I can't even daydream about them anymore--thus the anti-romance writing started but I was even too cynical to finish those stories.

I used to work-out, jog, ride my bike, swim and enjoy being outdoors. Now the closest I get to being outdoors is lounging on the back screened-in porch or hiking to and from the car to the house.

I still read a lot but I very rarely read fiction. I tend to read self-help, motivational, educational/writing material or research. I watch a lot of movies and that's probably where I get the most enjoyment these days, but the cynicism comes to play here too. "That's not very realistic", "that would never happen in real life", "too bad romance like that doesn't really exist", or, from a writer's stand point, "I could have written it better than that."

When I was younger, I wanted to help others. I wanted to be a psychologist. (You know what they say about psychologists: they become psychologists because they're the ones who need help. That's certainly true in my case.) I wanted also to work with teenage runaways living on the street. Since then I wanted to be a Life Coach and/or Writing Coach. For a fleeting moment around the time Silence of the Lambs came out, I wanted to be an F.B.I. profiler but I wondered, with the burnout rate of profilers, whether or not I could actually be a profiler for long. My level of cynicism would lend itself to burnout quickly. Hell, it does that now and I'm only a lowly retail department manager. And then there's my spirituality. Dealing with serial killers does not allow you a close relationship with God. You're lucky if you even believe in God, after all, why would God allow such gruesome and brutal stuff to happen to the innocent, even to children?

Of course, my walk with God is a little strained right now too. C'est la vie.

I'm on the verge, and have been for awhile, of giving up on my dreams. I write in fits and spurts. I'm too much of a perfectionist to ever finish something, let alone submit something (though I still have hope that I will finish, submit and be published/produced). I've made first steps on a lot of projects; such as a Writer's Guild, ministry, teaching classes, non-profit organizations, businesses, support groups, etc. but a general lack of interest on the part of those I'm attempting to cater to leaves a bad taste in my mouth (pardon the pun). I'm a leader, not a follower, but I can't be a leader when no one will follow. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, I just haven't a clue what it is.

Being beat up time and again makes me want to build a cabin in the woods and live alone for the rest of my life. I have so much to offer and no one wants any of it. I'm tired. And the prospects of turning 40 are more than a little underwhelming. I'd rather not, if you please.

I think about going back in time and changing something but I'd rather go back and not be born, but that's a little It's a Wonderful Life kind of stuff and, though I use cliché's, I certainly don't want my life to be cliché.

I guess what I'm really asking is: is there anyone out there who really cares and is this a normal mid-life crisis or am I going insane? And does my life go on as it has for forty years or does Barbara Shea have some kind of wonderful advice that I can actually implement and really create a life for myself?