My manager has been officially transfered to another store (per his request). His last day is tomorrow. Our new manager also starts tomorrow. We'll see how things go.

I did learn in the last several days that the very first guy I ever went steady with committed suicide by hanging himself. This has disturbed me greatly. We had gone steady back in 6th grade and he moved away the summer thereafter.I never heard from him again but another classmate kept in touch with him. He'd gone through some hardships during high school. Apparently his life was much more difficult than I'd ever learned. The few people that I've shared the news with have asked 'what would make somebody do something like that?' Unfortunately, I, all too well, know the answer. I attempted suicide two weeks before I left Pennsylvania, moving to Georgia. My boyfriend walked in on me just as I was about to cut my wrists open. He took the knife from my hands. I then ripped the knife from his hands, cutting both of his hands wide open. When I saw what I had done, I collapsed. I was despondent for hours until another friend showed up.

My world had turned upside down. Growing up, I had never really felt like I had fit in with my family. I had always felt like an outsider and never understood why. When I went off to college, there seemed to be a group of other people that, though they belong to a sorority or fraternity or some other group, migrated around me. We seemed to be our own little group and felt as though we fit together. We even called ourselves the "cat house." We were as diverse as a group of college students could be, and some of us were not even college students.

I felt as though I were home. For the first time in my life, I felt as though I'd had a family. We studied together, we partied together. Several of us rented a house together. We were nearly famous on campus. We hung out together for nearly two years. We welcomed friends of friends into our little circle until someone entered and didn't entirely fit or understand our friendships. Jealousy developed and soon everyone was backstabbing each other, lying, abandoning friendships, avoiding each other.

My world fell apart. The only real family I had known crumbled. Dear friends and I had screaming matches before we could even listen to each other and more than not, never did really listen again. I lost almost every friend I had because we were all stubborn and bullheaded. I thought no one would miss me if I were gone. And I thought I could punish those I loved by taking my own life.

It's not very rational thinking but you're not very rational in the throes of depression. All you can think about is what you've lost, what you'll never have again, and sometimes the price is beyond what you're willing to pay. Losing my best friend was like losing my heart. I couldn't live without my heart. Had I not left Pennsylvania and the constant memories I probably would have eventually succeeding in committing suicide, or at the least been hospitalized - which might have been the healthier route - but a change in environment did help.

Understanding depression and despair is very difficult if you've never truly experienced them. To believe with every cell of your being that everyone would be better off without you is a feeling I hope you never have to experience. But some people head down that path and spiral out of control. They alienate themselves from everyone and create a self fulfilling prophecy, a hell where no one can reach them. Even the most dedicated of friends can not help them.

The friends and family left behind will always wonder what they could've done differently but the truth is, we cannot change the past. We can only look a little closer at the clues and try to help anyone who shows signs of depression. I will always wonder if I had been nicer to my friend when we were younger, would that have changed anything? Was there anything I could have done over the years when we hadn't seen each other to make a difference?
 
My friend is gone. I mourn him. I mourn the loss his family suffers. I mourn the loss of his potential. I'll try remember those feelings when depression threatens to overtake me and how I, being separated from him by many miles and many, many years, am affect and will always be affected. It is cliché to say that time heals all wounds, but some of us really have to take that to heart to make it through the day, through the next hour and sometime even just the next minute.

If you suffer depression, just take a moment to reach out to someone or if you know someone who is depressed, reach out to them. Your actions may be just the thing to help them through their toughest moment. You may never know that you helped but you'll always wonder what if... if you don't.

God Bless.