It's a WRITER'S LIFE

Mexico Beach... a fading memory

2012-05-27T14:28:17Z

back from the Beach four days now and I so miss it.

I need another vacation. One that lasts forever.

Stop the world spinning. I want to get off.

We've been busy, busy, busy at work and short handed. It's like Christmas right now in retail, at least in our retail store. And not just the weekends but everyday. Where is everyone getting their money? I'm going to hate to see what it's like when Christmas is really here. Record breaking sales? I need a raise. A BIG one. Oh, wait, already got it and it wasn't so big. Arggg.

The Beach was fabulous. Four days of fun in the sun, sand, & water. Got a little tan going on. Plan to spend a day or two each week working on the tan at the local beach. Haven't really had a tan in many years. Managed only a slight burn this time. Spent an hour in the sun waiting to get a table in a highly recommended restaurant in Panama City, about twenty minutes too long. Came away a little pink and exhausted. Luckily the food was worth it. Ever in Panama City and craving seafood, especially oysters on the half shell, try Hunts Oyster Bar. Best prices. Best oysters. Located on Beck St. (Road?). We accidentally found it while trying to find Capt. Andersons (found Captains Table next to Hunts instead).

We walked more than ten miles along the beach. Had seafood everyday. Up early. Siestas. Even got in some writing time. And found a beach umbrella floating down the edge of the water at 2 am. Retrieved it in my nightgown. Not a soul on the beach at that hour. Needless to say, as a writer the whole scene will make its way into my story. It will be the opening scene in book two. My main character will find the umbrella which happens to be the murder weapon of a dead girl who's found on the beach the next morning, which now has her prints all over it. Enter a new love interest in the form of a young detective. Also enter the BFF. Looking forward to writing Book Two.

Must finish Book One first.

The current chapter is proving to be a tough one, very emotional. The four year old gets to meet his daddy for the first time, at the cemetery. I think I may not be able to keep it together when he kisses his fathers headstone.

May not write that one just yet. I've still got to go to work today. Not a good idea to show up with puffy eyes.

So I guess it's time to get back on a schedule, as far as I'm able with varying shifts. So back to my goals:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series

journal 4 days a week

submit one short story for publication bi-monthly

exercise 15 to 30 minutes a day

do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life

get my home organized

save money from every paycheck

reduce my debt

think rationally regarding the new relationship

read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week

make goals more specific, present and keep them in front of me

prep for Summer Novel Writing Challenge (want to know more, just email me)

May the Muse be with you...

Mexico Beach... Here we come ... again

2012-05-06T15:42:10Z

Yeah!!!!!

We've decided to forgo the drama of dealing with my family and are heading South instead. And that decision has left me in a wonderful mood.

I didn't realize how much I was dreading the trip North. I know the family wouldn't approve of the new Boyfriend, just because he's MY boyfriend (as if no one trusts my judgement). Okay, so maybe my track record in choosing men hasn't been the best, but as I say, they're all Mr. Wrong until you meet Mr. Right. (the judgement is still pending on whether he's Mr. Right but he's so far ahead of any guy I've ever invited into my life thus far).

But as far as my family goes, there are larger issue at hand currently. One being that I've brought up issues from the past that no one wants to believe is true. It's easier to call me a liar than to accept what I'm saying really happened.

I'm tired of being the family secret keeper. I'm tired of swallowing my feelings just to keep peace in the family. I'm tired of everyone burying their head in the sand and pretending nothing is wrong while I've been on the brink of suicide most of my life.

There. I said it.

It's been such a f**ked up life when I feel like I don't even fit in my own family. Not a single person in my family has ever taken the time to get to know me. They don't know a thing about me that's important. I rebeled against my mother all my childhood cause she never took the time to figure out who her daughter was. I disagreed with her so that made me a bad kid. When I finally gave up on her figuring out who I was and just accepted her, faults and all, our relationship got better, but I still miss having a close relationship with her.

I've learned to have compassion for her. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me from a date rape. She chose to have me instead of having an abortion. She quit school and married a man she didn't love (who was not my biological father) who beat on her for seven years. She gave birth to me 3 months premature, and while under anasthesia, I was taken from her and put in an incubator while the doctors told her I'd never leave the hospital. She never held me. We never bonded. As the stubborn cuss I am, I came home 45 days later. She'd gone back to school and had a full time job, so Grandma raised me. She'd gotten on with her life.

How can you blame her? How can you blame her her regrets for having me? She's incapable of anything else, as far as I'm concerned. She doesn't realize that she's done anything wrong. And I admit, she did the best she knew how. After all, there's no manual for being a mother. But looking back over it all, even now, does she not see that she's done anything wrong? If she does, she hasn't admitted it to me.

I endured years of abuse at her hands. I understand it now but it doesn't change the hurt I suffered as a child. I can now change my perception of it all but I carried that abuse, mental and physical, with me for most of my life. It's an effort to change my perception and sometimes I just don't have the energy. Just living these days is such an effort, trying to deal with all the negativity of the world. It's even more difficult when there's no one to share the burdens with or even to share the joys.

It took years for my mother to own up to the abuse. She admits that if it were today, she'd be in jail for the abuse. But no apologies as of yet. A simple apology really goes a long way to help with the healing, no matter the situation.

Life has become a little easier now that I have someone to share it with, though it is painful for both of us to revisit the past. I recognize that the past has created who I am in the present, good and bad. In the beginning of any relationship, we always put our best foot forward. I made a conscious effort to avoid talking about the crap, not talk about our sob stories, but by doing that, we've discouraged the very discussions that would allow us to connect on a deeper level with each other.

I crave that deep connection and I don't know how to talk to him about it. Even with my friends, I gloss over these conversations like they're no big thing but in reality, they're very important to me. If our relationship is as important to them as it is to me, they'll take an interest in the conversation, wouldn't they? I do. Maybe my idea of a relationship is messed up and maybe that's why I don't have many close friends. I know I expect a lot from a relationship but it's not anything I wouldn't do in return.

Maybe that's why this life has become so difficult. Do we expect more than we're willing to give? When did that happen? (I also make most people uncomfortable by asking those kinds of questions. I like the deep conversations while most people prefer shallow conversations.)

I heard results of a study done recently that states that on average, we now have two really close friends rather than the three we have in previous years. What does that really mean? Are we so afraid that someone will see who we really are? Or rather, are we afraid that someone will see who we really are and use it against us?

That's a sad state of affairs.

What is this world coming to if we no longer make the effort to connect with one another?

I've spent many years alone and many years in self-imposed isolation. When I cried myself to sleep far too many times to count, I realized that my isolation was my own fault. If I wanted to meet someone, they were not going to just knock on my door. I needed to get out and meet people. I was the one who needed to take a chance. I currently remind myself to take a change on love, to choose love instead of fear (as the Course reminds us). There is only Love and fear. Everything that is not Love is fear. Do I choose Love or do I choose fear.

I choose Love. I've lived with the alternative far too long. I'm not willing to live without Love any longer.

That does not mean that I choose Love and ignore the pain. I can Love those in my family and choose not to let the drama and negative energy surround me. I can Love them from afar. I can have compassion for them, after all, the truth can be painful. Finding out the truth about someone you've adored your whole life can be very hurtful. Your first response will always be to accuse the messenger of being a liar. I accept that. I don't need to subject myself to a situation where I'm being attacked, consciously or unconsciously. I chose otherwise.

So rather than deal with all the drama of my family, I choose otherwise. The idea crossed my mind to mention to the Boyfriend that a trip to Mexico Beach would be fantastic and then, surprisingly, he suggested it to me. I would have settle for just not going North but I'm so excited about the sand between my toes, and early morning runs on the beach, and all the seafood I can eat and listening to waves crash on the beach all night long and getting dressed up for evenings out and the seagulls cries, and sunbathing, and the pool, and sunrises and sunsets across the gulf and this time, parasailing!!!!

And we're going to start looking for a house while we're there. Soon, we'll be snow birds!!!

And we've decided to jump out of an airplane for his birthday and my half-birthday in June.

Life is good when you have someone to share it with.

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I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues as of late, the above issues not withstanding, so I've been slacking as far as my goals are concerned. I've written a chapter in the last two weeks, journaled even less. I haven't heard anything yet from the short story contest I've entered but didn't expect to until after the 15th. The boyfriend and I have joined a gym and we've gone several times this past week and I've done sit-up at home, nearly daily so that's almost a CHECK. Everything else has been haphazardly. So I get a failed on my goals for the last two weeks. But it's never too late to start again.

Today is my day off so I plan to write two chapters before being whisked off to the boyfriends granddaughters birthday party where I get to meet more of the family for the first time. This week, at work, the Assistant Manager will be working at another store, so my hours have shifted and I'll be responsible for a good portion of her work load but with Mexico Beach on my mind, I may get to more of my goals this week. Ever the optimistic.

write one chapter a week in my mystery series

journal 4 days a week

submit one short story for publication bi-monthly

exercise 15 to 30 minutes a day

do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life

get my home organized

save money from every paycheck

reduce my debt

think rationally regarding the new relationship

read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week

make goals more specific, present and keep them in front of me

prep for Summer Novel Writing Challenge (want to know more, just email me)

May the Muse be with you...

riding the roller coaster again

2012-04-25T00:59:30Z

The last several days, maybe a little more than a week now, I've been riding the roller coaster. I've been riding high for several months but now I've been up and down and the downs have been very upsetting.

Isn't that what relationships are?

No?

That has been my experience. It seems that I am very empathic. I feel what other people feel, especially the new boyfriend. I know when he's hurting, when he's happy, and when he's scared. It's been awhile since either one of us has been in a relationship and we're both scared. But as the old Indian tale says, it depends on whether you feed the White Wolf (love) or the Black Wolf (fear) so one can win the fight over the other.

My White Wolf as far as writing goes seems to be losing out to my Black Wolf. I let things ensnare me and I tend to focus on the pain and when I'm in pain, I can't write. I really need to focus on how much I love writing, how much getting into my story can make time stand still and distract me away from the pain and how writing can actually lessen the pain, work through the pain or overcome the pain.

I love it when that happens.

But I forget that that happens.

Must write anyway.

So, that being said, I have completed one chapter and started another. CHECK. Plan to finish it here shortly. Also got my kitchen free of boxes and organized. CHECK. Next up, the last few boxes in the living room and bedroom, then to reorganize my "closet" (my extra bedroom is now a walk in closet). I did submit my short story The Manuscript for a contest. CHECK. First Prize: $100 and publication. Cross your fingers. Journaling has taken a back seat. I've realized that my relationship is interfering with journaling. I had a previous relationship where I was afraid that he would read my journal so I stopped writing since I pour my heart out in it and I can't just write fluff in my journal. Got to work on that - or rather, write about that - in the journal. Arggggg.

I've been exercising nearly every day. CHECK. Want to double what I've been doing. Got on the doctors scale yesterday and I'm still at 115 pounds, and that was with my cell phone and keys and other stuff in my pockets. Did remember to take off my shoes though. That's 5 pounds lighter than I was when I graduated high school of-so-many years ago and only ten pounds from my goal. I'll be happy at 115 if I can firm up the abs. That's my focus right now.

As far as an exit strategy from the J.O.B. goes, I'm going to put that on the back burner for now. Unless I inherit a million dollars or win the lottery, it looks like I'm going to have to keep the job until I sell my manuscript. Maybe when I type THE END, I can plan my exit strategy. So, that goal is coming of my list.

ScriptFrenzy is coming along slowly. CHECK. Reading at least 5 check-ins twice a week. CHECK. Everything else fell by the wayside this week. I did read the Course once. That doesn't help when the roller coaster rumbles along at high speeds. Stop the World. I want to get off!!!

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ROW80 goals:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication bi-monthly
exercise 15 to 30 minutes a day
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
get my home organized
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
think rationally regarding the new relationship
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
make goals more specific, present and keep them in front of me
work on ScriptFrenzy project
prep for Summer Novel Writing Challenge (want to know more, just email me)

May the Muse be with you...

something about best laid plans

2012-04-15T15:57:17Z

was all set to spend yesterday afternoon and this morning knocking out the next chapter or two.

went to brunch and ran a few errands yesterday and the Boyfriend was a little desperate to get his taxes done. His CPA went MIA this year and he only found out this week that he was unavailable. Ended up at Jackson Hewett at Walmart before he had a chance to drop me off at home. Spent an hour and a half walking around the store before finally picking up a book and reading a few chapters (something I usually do at midnight trying to wind down after work).

By the time we got home, we had thirty minutes before we had to leave for the RevFest where my friend's band, Audible Canvas, was playing. Great gig. Hadn't realized the RevFest was going on all day or maybe we would have gone earlier.

Either way, I didn't get any writing done.

And this morning, set the alarm early, all set to go to my 9 am Sunday morning writers group and the car wouldn't start. No one around to jump start the car. The Boyfriend had a charged-up battery but it took forever for it to charge my battery. Finally got to sbux at 11:30 and everyone's already gone. Arggg. Feeling like crap. Sugars out of balance. Upset. And the car trouble makes me a little neurotic. Thank God for Java Chip Frappacino - Grande.

So I'm all set to write the next couple of chapters. Gear up Pandora and see you when I get through.

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UPDATE: Okay, got Chapter 10 finished, finally. The Boyfriend and I have talked and we've agreed that I need a little more time to devote to writing and he needs a little more time to devote to reading. Maybe we can do that at the same time while we spend quality time together. So I plan to write Chapter 11 today and get a journal entry in too. And maybe even a poem or two since April is Poem A Day. I'm far behind on that goal. Did exercise this week. Grabbed my Course in Miracle from my house and it's now at the boyfriends so I can read it every day. It seems to keep me grounded and after the morning I had, I need it. Once the Boyfriend's son comes back home, I plan to spend more time at my home and get rid of more boxes. It feels so great to have all my stuff just a few yards away from my front door. It's going to be like Christmas opening all those boxes. I haven't seen most of that stuff in over five years. I've forgotten what I had. Still have to work on the rest of my goals. New plan: if something isn't accomplished within 3 weeks - or at least worked on - then it isn't a real goal and will come off my list. I hate seeing it over and over. Especially when I beat myself up over not working on it.

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write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication bi-monthly
exercise 15 to 30 minutes a day
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
get my home organized
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
think rationally regarding the new relationship
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
form an exit strategy from the J.O.B.
make goals more specific, present and keep them in front of me
work on ScriptFrenzy project
prep for Summer Novel Writing Challenge (want to know more, just email me)

May the Muse be with you...

short and sweet

2012-04-14T07:56:41Z

this will be to the point.

I'm blocked. The whole business about skipping a chapter has stopped me in my tracks. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around how to continue or how to write that chapter without deleting the chapter I've already written.

I like that chapter. It forwards the story - finally.

When I started it, it was just another characters point of view since I don't want consecutive chapters from the same characters POV but now it has a purpose. I just haven't been able to figure out how to work in the required chapter.

Okay, I just thought of something. Eureka.

I'll get back to you...

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BTW, I'm stuck and I haven't written another chapter so I missed that goal so far this week. Have been journaling and about to write out this little problem to see if I can make it work. Exercising daily. Read 5+ check-in so far this week. Saved a little money and got rid of a $200 a month debt that was eating me alive. Being mostly rational about the relationship and realize I need to journal about my feelings a little more often. The other goals fell short so far this week but I still have another day to go.

My goals:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication bi-monthly
exercise 15 to 30 minutes a day
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
get my home organized
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
think rationally regarding the new relationship
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
form an exit strategy from the J.O.B.
make goals more specific, present and keep them in front of me
work on ScriptFrenzy project
prep for Summer Novel Writing Challenge (want to know more, just email me)

May the Muse be with you...

enter the penguins...

2012-04-11T04:21:14Z

so ROW80 started and I missed the first check-in and about to miss the second. Things have been hectic and writing has been on the back burner for a time, but that's okay since we had a break in between rounds.

back to the grind stone.

sorry, that's the J.O.B.

writing is fun.

so why is it such an effort to get to the page?

I've been distracted. I've been enjoying the new relationship and you know how that goes; wanting to spend all our free time together. He mentioned today that he was going to insist that I spend more time writing.

I really need to write more since I want to sell this book this year and I'm only on chapter ten so far.

Working on chapter ten tonight and realized I had completely forgotten a chapter so technically I'm working on chapter eleven. hehe

I've found that I need a few days in between chapters to flesh out the next plot twist. I usually write until I run out of ideas so this new writing style is working great for me and this story.

So you're asking about the penguin,s huh?

As many of you know, I collect penguins. I have a four inch plastic penguin that looks like he's jumping for joy. He has a big round clear belly that is filled with some sort of liquid that has glitter suspended throughout.

I've also mentioned in recent posts that I've been "mirror gazing" or rather gazing into a crystal ball for my characters to appear and show me my next plot twist. Well, while haphazardly gazing into the belly of this penguin and noticing that the glitter was moving, even though the penguin hasn't moved in months, I realized I needed to share more detail about my character. Thus, enter the penguins. My MC now collects penguins. She got yet another stuffed penguin from her father while hospitalized from a car accident. (which, incidentally, reverts her back to her childhood). In the next scene she'll have to deal with the anniversary of her husbands death which she'll view from a different perspective (and said husband nearly became penguin-phobic by all the teasing he endured from co-workers and by the huge collection she had.) Okay, all that may or may not make the final edit but it did jump start me on the next scene.)

And that's tomorrow's writing goal. If I can keep the boyfriend from distracting me.

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So I let my goals slip by the wayside for a little while but I'm renewing my commitment to my writing and my life:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication bi-monthly
exercise 15 to 30 minutes a day
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
get my home organized
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
think rationally regarding the new relationship
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
form an exit strategy from the J.O.B.
make goals more specific, present and keep them in front of me
work on ScriptFrenzy project
prep for Summer Novel Writing Challenge (want to know more, just email me)

May the Muse be with you...

fantastic fun in the sun

2012-03-18T17:36:36Z

Sorry I missed the last two check-ins. Had no internet at the hotel and haven't had a chance to do much until today. We got back Tuesday morning at 3:30 am from Mexico Beach Florida and had a fantastic time.

I even got in another chapter while there. So I made it a goal of 4 chapters but heck, it was the beach. I felt pretty good about getting that done.

Woke pretty early each morning (morning and me don't usually mix) and walked/jogged a mile to a mile and a half, got breakfast, relaxed for a little while, journaled and wrote a little, took a siesta, went to the beach/pool, back to the room (on the beach, private balcony overlooking the gulf) to freshen up for dinner. Lots of seafood. Walked the pier in the full moon. Everything about it all was perfect. Slept listening to the waves. Most relaxing four days I've ever had.

Must have been relaxing for the Boyfriend (advanced from Beau to Boyfriend, if you've been keeping track) too since he only had one minor headache all weekend and hasn't had another since. We'll both be so glad when they're gone.

Already planning the next trip, to see family (uggg) and planning the next few holidays together. Even talked about getting a place on the beach - become snow birds. I like that idea.

Been crazy at work since. Requested a demotion - don't know if that will be approved. Tired of the rat-race. Want to spend more time with the boyfriend, have a life, more time to write, more control over the diet to control diabetes (tired of eating at odd hours all the time) and just plain tired. Not yet depleted of energy from vacation but headed there fast. It's like Christmas at the store right now. Income Tax checks pouring in, I guess. Busy. Busy. Busy. Wonder what Christmas is really going to be like this year. I just hope I've taken early retirement by then. Wouldn't that be nice. I'll even be happy to have my own business by then (or published - working on that)

Speaking of, I've gotten a Prologue and Chapter Eight written this morning. I realized that I needed a murder victim if I'm going to write a mystery. I had two but they're not going to be solved in book one (at least I hope not) and then there's the one that will be solved by my MC. Had to write that. And wrote it from the victim's point of view. That was fun. But I still feel like I give away too much info. I hate it when I solve the mystery on page two. Have I mentioned that I hate it when I solve the mystery before the ending?

So I'm advancing toward my goals, slowly. Should have a shed built on my property within the next few weeks so I'll be able to get the boxes organized and completely unpacked (the usable items anyway - my place is still so small, I can't unpack everything) and get my things out of storage. That will be such a blessing.

I really enjoyed walking/jogging everyday with the Boyfriend. Need to find a way to fit that into the non-vacation lifestyle. Got the journaling thing down this week but still have to work on the submission thing. Still reading motivational material. Still absolutely blown away by Now Write! Mysteries. High Recommend the whole Now Write! series. Had to put the meager savings in the gas tank so I have to start over again but at least I had it to put in the gas tank. I fill the tank so infrequently, it jumps ten cents every time I fill up. Really? What's this world coming to? About to wipe out a good portion of my debt and have some discretionary income so saving will be easier and reducing debt will get better.

Also in a three-way argument with one of my debtors. Want to resolve that this month. Got to get on the ball and make the call.

I spent most of the night last night wound up about the new boyfriend in-between bouts of blaring bass from the neighbor across the street - at two am. Really? He turned the music up loud at 2, turned it down when the police cruised by and then up again until 4 am. Little to no sleep for me. It's okay. I'm off today. Can you say 'siesta?'

Got tomorrow off too. Got some errands and then write, write, write with a few check-ins and review my goals. I realize that I need to find a way to keep my goals present and in front of me. Too many distractions. So to add one more to my list:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication in March, and one in April
getting on the treadmill or walking for at least 15 minutes a day.
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
tackle at least one box everyday towards getting everything unpacked from my move
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
keep my head on straight regarding the new beau
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
make goals more specific
begin writing an exit strategy from the J.O.B.
make goals present and kept them in front of me.
and prep for April ScriptFrenzy.org (ok, so that's two)

May the Muse be with you...

Why I write.

2012-03-05T19:07:24Z

I suppose you could say that at first glance, I'm a rather unassuming person (Websters definition: unassuming: modest, unpretentious). A few people seem to see the spark within at our first encounter but not many. I surround myself with modest, second-hand furnishings. I wear minimal jewelery. If I wear make-up, I try to go with a very natural look. (I actually had an argument with another woman whether I actually had make-up on or not. I did. She said I didn't. I like that kind of argument.) The first thing most people notice is my hair; it is nearly to my knees. Usually that is the only thing people notice about me. My name is forgettable. My birthday is forgettable. But people usually say 'you know, that girl with the really long hair.'

I work at a menial job. Some people thrive in a retail environment. I don't. I feel drained, empty, exhausted. I can't wait to go home and hide from the world. I rejuvenate at the book store, or the lake, or the mountains - usually alone. Luckily, lately, I have had a companion with whom I feel energized. He supports me and my writing. He's a constant inspiration and is taking an active interest in what I'm writing. I feel more motivated than ever to write.

But when I write I feel energized and motivated to write even more. It's only when I allow my job and other things to interfere with my writing that I lose touch with those feelings. It's a vicious cycle when I don't write, and though I know I'll feel great after a bout of writing, I just can't get to the page.

I wrote recently about my friend, Valerie Storey (www.valeriestorey.com and www.valeriestorey.blogspot.com) and how she had an essay published in the book Now Write! Mysteries. She had asked herself the question "Why do I write?" and her answer was "I want to be published!" She further examined her desire to be published and found that she "wanted to feel a part of a community, one made up of writers, readers, publishers, and people devoted to the written word. In other words, I was seeking family. Once I knew that, I also felt the pressure to be perfect slip away. Writing was just talking, conversing, and hanging out with an amazing group of people who continue to inspire me on a daily basis. Writing was fun. It made me feel happy and connected."

I've thought about the question "Why I write?' often (and have written about it here). But when reading Valerie's essay, I reevaluated my answers again. Though the idea of changing my surroundings (me as main character experiencing totally different life situations, relationships, romance or me as main character changing current life situations-writing/therapy sessions- or me as writer writing to sell, make lots of money and change my real life situations) are still, for me, valid reasons for writing (write what you know - and I know my life very well) it usually doesn't lend itself often to publishable material.

Then I remembered one of the reason I began writing in the first place. As a young naive teenage girl, I wanted to become a psychologist to help people. Everything in my life was geared toward helping others. I'd heard it said that the best way to help yourself is to help others, and I knew that I needed help. I often write about my life in the hopes that it can help someone else avoid or deal with the kind of pain I've had.

I always hoped that if I could change one persons life with my writing and that person could change another's life and so on and so on, I could indirectly change the world. Some kind of Pay It Forward movement or even a book along those same lines. (I so wish I had written that one.) Books like that and Celestine Prophecy, DaVinci Code, Road Less Traveled, with their phenomenal success and their ability to create such a buzz, are my idea of success. I so wish to write that kind of book and touch millions of lives. Money, fame, publication itself are all secondary motivations. If I could touch that many lives in the psychology field, or seminar circuit, I'd be there already.

I'll just never do that in retail.

I read a book in college and again a few years again called Please Understand Me, about the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator (I'm an INFP, in case you're wondering). I loaned it to a friend who loaned it to a friend who took it to work and gave it to her boss, who sent it on to Human Resources which, in turned implemented the Typing in their accessement of teams for Project Management. The company: Coca-Cola.

That's how I want to change the world.

You never know the impact you have on the world.

I love writing. Do what you love and the [world] will follow.

Time to do what I love.

And create an exit strategy for the retail J.O.B..

God Willing, with a little help...

And though I may seem unassuming, you'll never guess the passion burning behind these eyes.

-----------------------------------------

I've written my chapter for the week, have today off (my 5 year Anniversary at the J.O.B., got it off as a paid holiday) and I'm taking a 4 day weekend, going out of town and plan to write 3-5 chapters between now and the time I return to work Tuesday morning. My journaling has suffered though; only one day this week. Still working on the publication of a short story. Missed the whole exercise thing this week. It's taking a turn for cold weather again (actual light freeze expected tonight) but going to warm up towards the weekend. I so hope so. My Beau and I will be getting in a run every morning. Still reading three motivational/inspirational books nearly daily. (Have a stack of 7 next to me now.) I've averaged a box a day on the unpacking and will soon have a shed at my disposal so rearranging boxes will be that much easier. Did save a little money this paycheck and paid over half the bills. Struggled this weekend with keeping my head on straight regarding the Beau. Read several check-ins and about to read more. And going to make my goals more specific today. I promise.

So I recommit myself to the following goals for this week:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication in March, and one in April
getting on the treadmill or walking for at least 15 minutes a day.
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
tackle at least one box everyday towards getting everything unpacked from my move
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
keep my head on straight regarding the new beau
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
make goals more specific
begin writing an exit strategy from the J.O.B.

May the Muse be with you...

pages and pages of ideas

2012-03-02T01:26:50Z

My friend and fellow writer Valerie Storey (www.valeriestorey.blogspot.com) has had an essay published in the new book Now Write! Mysteries. She sent me a copy as an award for her blog giveaway. First thing, I read her essay and read it again. New ideas started pouring forth. I've got three pages right off the bat. And I'm adding more as I read the other essays.

I'm so impressed with the advice from these authors that I have added the three previous Now Write! books to my Amazon wish list and I'm searching for books by the authors within. I haven't read a lot of mysteries so I'm definitely second guessing my ability to write a mystery, let alone a 17 book mystery series. Finding other mystery authors who I admire is a great things. Finding mysteries where I don't figure out the ending half-way through the book is even better.

So far, the book had given me ideas for the long-term plot line, character motivation (every character's motivation is to somehow achieve a desired feeling from achieving a goal.) I've even decided to delve into the mind of the series villian, not just the one-book villain. And the one-book villain will also appear in at least two other books.

The process is amazing to me.

I'm watching as a friend outlines enough pages to equal a book itself. Huge amounts of research, boards, notes, etc. etc. etc. and he still gets stuck on page one or stares at a blank screen. My process is simpler, though not always easier. I get a vague idea, form a picture in my mind of my main character, a general idea of where it's going to end, a strong first sentence and I'm off. I've begun outlining as I go since I tend to lose plotlines and have too much editing to do when I do that. In my second draft I add everything I left out the first time. The third edit, I take everything out that doesn't move the story along. Then there's the final edit and I'm usually pretty pleased with the piece by then.

With this series, though, I have a 5 subject notebook to keep up with the history, plot lines, character bios and everything that I cannot get into the days writing. I should probably get another notebook and organize it better but for me, too much preplanning means I've already written the story so why bother actually writing the story. I'm bored with it by then. I like that the story and the characters can still surprise me. If it surprises me then I'm relatively sure it will surprise my readers. At least that's the plan.

And I've gained three new Beta Readers. Each has read "The Manuscript" short story I had published last year and they have all given me feedback. One even suggested that I resubmit the story elsewhere. Anyone know of a market that accepts previously published short stories? It doesn't necessarily fall into a specific genre. I guess a thriller would most closely describe it.

Anyone want to become a Beta Reader for my stuff?

One of my Beta Readers looked over "The Lonely Guitar" again and made me realize that 50 one hundred dollar bills would add substantial weight to the item in which they were hidden. She suggested a deposit box key but my character wouldn't want to hide that kind of cash in a place where it could be confiscated by government officials nor not have it readily accessible during non-banking hours. So rather than go the route of a bus locker key, I'll have to look at the idea of the surreal ness of the whole situation and the unstableness of my MC's mind-set.

Then it's off to the Markets.

I've fallen behind in my goal of submitting 6 pieces for publication this year. I've been so focused on the mystery series that I've forgotten about my short stories.

My new beau made the suggestion today that I should take about a year and a half off to devote myself to writing. I second that. We'll see where that goes but if he makes the offer, I'll definitely consider it.

As far as my ROW80 goals are concerned, I'm still digging the treadmill out from under boxes but I have been able to get outside to walk. The weather's been lovely here in Georgia. And we're planning a trip to the coast. Running on the beach every morning sounds fantastic. I have been unpacking a box a day, or rearranging furniture and it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, no, no, that's not right. It's beginning to look inhabitable. And we're going shed shopping tomorrow so maybe I'll get my kitchen emptied of boxes and get everything else out of storage. I'll be so glad to be able to have my stuff around me. Especially my books. Every time I go to grab one I'm looking for, it's in storage. There are several editions I now have two copies of because I just needed it that badly. One book I now have four copies.

I have written a chapter and a half this week but I've only journaled twice. Does that equal two goals? I wish.

I've been reading Now Write! Mysteries by Sherry Ellis, Living Write by Kelley L. Stone and Writers Digest, Poets & Writers and The Writer. Along with the Course and A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Think that covers the whole motivational/inspirational/positive thing, right?

Tomorrow's payday so I still have that one to cover and the whole debt thing will be taken care of for the week too tomorrow.

Today, the beau and I talked about what we wanted out of this relationship and the three most important aspects of a relationship. I had four but he acknowledge that most woman couldn't narrow the list down to three. He was amazed I only had four and that my top three matched his. I was amazed that he knew the secret of life. We're having so much fun.

I will admit I haven't read many check-ins this week but will get on that momentarily. And I haven't made my goals more specific yet. Working on that too. So, here again are my goals, with one additional one:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
submit one short story for publication in March, and one in April
getting on the treadmill or walking for at least 15 minutes a day.
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
tackle at least one box everyday towards getting everything unpacked from my move
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
keep my head on straight regarding the new beau
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
make goals more specific

May the Muse be with You...

old stomping grounds and star wars and a bit more compassion

2012-02-26T16:19:20Z

I visited my old stomping grounds this week. It was strange being back there again. Nothing's changed but yet everything's changed. Got to spend time with friends I hadn't seen since long before the holidays. It was great being with them again if only for a few hours. It all made me miss some other friends with which I've burned bridges.

It was for the best though I really do miss one in particular. Our last 'conversation' left me feeling like I was more of a burden than a friend. I will not be one of those people who steal/drain the energy of someone I care about. When someone can no longer find any value in a relationship, it's time to end it. I realize now that he was enabling me. To his credit, he gave a lot of himself to me and I guess, in the beginning, I gave a lot to the relationship. But please forgive me, I overstayed my welcome. I have no ill-will towards him. The blame all lies with me. I only hope he knows how sorry I am and that I miss him terribly. But the damage is done and don't know if it will ever be repairable.

The good news with the whole situation is that I realize who I was becoming and I've now done a complete 180. I'm not that person anymore. To my amazement. 2012 is being good to me. I'm writing on a regular basis, in a healthy relationship, and have a piece of mind that's been MIA for far too long. I feel good and haven't felt that way in quite awhile.

My new beau and I seem to be headed toward the serious side of things, which pleases me and scares the h*ll out of me. I just keep reminding myself that I deserve to be in a healthy relationship and to take things slow. And to have fun while we're at it. It's been fun so far...

We saw Star Wars 3D last night. I was disappointed in the 3D but what can you expect when you try to add 3D to a movie already made. But it's Star Wars!!! Need I say more?

My beau hadn't seen it yet so I enjoyed sharing it with him more than the disappointment over the 3D. He's a big original trilogy fan. It's great to find another sci-fi geek like me. I hope to introduce him to dragon-con and we'll be attending the Ren-fest soon, I'm sure.

As I was leaving my friends the other night, I was overwhelmed with love for this couple. I can feel my walls crumbling as far as my self-imposed isolation goes. I think I've mentioned before that I'm reading The 7 Wonders that Will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck. The 7 wonders being Courage, Faith, Truth, Compassion, Friendship, Family and Common Sense. My hot button seems to be compassion. After spending most of my adult life in retail and my entire life being the secret keeper for my family, I was sorely lacking compassion.

I've been able to remember to have compassion for my dad - who has become my biggest nemesis - and have found compassion for others in my life. But as I parted company with my friends, I was also overwhelmed with compassion for someone who had never crossed my mind before: me.

After all the things I've endured, I need to remember that I've done the best that I was capable of at the time. Even when I've hurt others it was never intentional. I only hope that others can find forgiveness in their hearts.

I'm turning over a new leaf. It's finally time to begin living.

To that end, I have written a new chapter for my book/series and I have a few new ideas floating around in my head. I have unpacked 4 boxes since Tuesday. Didn't get on the treadmill or exercise this week - still having a hard time maneuvering around boxes and it's gotten cold again so walking outside hasn't been an option. Journaling hasn't happened this week either. I'm still reading something inspirational most days. And this week did not have a payday. I had to dip into savings so I couldn't work on the reducing dept part. So, suffice it to say, I've accomplished approx. 50% of my goals. Not to bad. Suppose I should get more specific with my goals though. I'll work on that. Here they are:

write one chapter a week in my mystery series
journal 4 days a week
getting on the treadmill or walking for at least 15 minutes a day.
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
tackle at least one box everyday towards getting everything unpacked from my move
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
keep my head on straight regarding the new beau
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week
make goals more specific

Happy Writing.

May the Muse be with you...

Doing it better this time

2012-02-22T02:37:30Z

and a little early, since I'll be at work till late tomorrow. Not sure if I can check-in for ROW80 this early but I'll give it a go.

I did get a chapter and a half written on Sunday but they were a little short so together I'll call them one. That's my goal for the week. I'm going to spend the next couple hours writing another chapter so I'll be ahead of the game.

But I also want to set a few other goals as well for the week:

getting on the treadmill or walking for at least 15 minutes a day.
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
tackle at least one box everyday towards getting everything unpacked from my move
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
keep my head on straight regarding the new beau
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week

And to that end, I spent the day moving a trailer load of things from my cousin into my place and getting some of it organized. Feeling a twinge in my back so I'll need to see the chiropractor soon. But I spent the day with the new beau. Had to use his truck/trailer/strong arms to get all the stuff moved. (Not ready to call him a "boyfriend" yet.)

We enjoyed a pleasant conversation and only experienced a moment of not-so-awkward silence. Which, in and of itself, is amazing. Small talk is excrutiating for me. I prefer meaningful deep conversations or nothing at all. Todays conversation was deeper than superficial and comfortable since we are still getting to know each other (fifth date if you want to call it that.)

His texting after we parted company was very flattering. I feel joyful in his company. He gets my humor and I his. He says I have a healing power for him. We both feel so much younger in each others company.

Usually, for me, a relationship tends to get rushed - by myself or most often, by my partner. We're taking things extremely slow. I have to remind myself constantly not to rush things. We've both been burned many times and we're both nervous. But I'm rather enjoying taking things slow.

And I've also made a conscious decision to stay positive. No more delving into the miserable pain of the past, at least not for awhile. In due time.

And he's interested in my writing.

Yeah!

He reads a lot so I'm sure it's not an obligatory thing.

It makes me feel inspired to write.

So that's what I'm gonna do now.

Check-in done. Off to write.

TTFN.

Happy Writing.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall... and not a drop to drink

2012-02-19T17:38:21Z

this is how my mind works these days.

Many years ago, I had an accident at work where the original diagnosis was a fractured jaw but the damages were a little more extensive and undiagnosed: a brain stem injury. At the time, I started combining words and cliches. Some of the funniest stuff came out of my mouth. But it wasn't really funny to me. I had spent my life consumed with speaking proper English (thus I now have great difficulty writing authentic dialog or slang in my fiction). Growing up in Southwestern Pennsylvania, about the only slang I used was "pop" for soda. After moving to the South and realizing all sodas were called Coke ("what kind of coke do you have?"), I began calling it soda.

So my injury really infuriated me, especially since no one in the medical field would take me seriously. I mean, a brain stem injury affecting speech? To this day, I still spit out odd words and cliches such as dead as molasses (dead as a doornail/slow as molasses). Most of the time, I hope, no one catches the little word slip-ups but I get the strangest looks when they're cliches, like the one above.

I've come across a new tool, thanks to Kelly L. Stone, author of Time To Write, called Mirror Gazing. You stare into a mirror, or in my case, a crystal ball, until images start to emerge and begin showing you what you need to know. This week I came up with a new plot twist for my current WIP. A simple enough twist where my MC ends up dating the man who wants her dead, but without gazing into my crystal ball, I would not have thought about that simple plot (at least not any time soon).

...and no, I've not been drinking. For the reasons stated above, the "and not a drop to drink" in my mind is the next logical phrase after "mirror, mirror, on the wall."

Welcome to my world.

But as it stands, yesterday I did it again. An accident at work where I was struggling to remove a very large shelf from the wall. It came out and popped me in the jaw. It popped my head back and jarred my neck so badly I felt it as far down as the sciatic nerve in my leg and the nerve running down my left arm, not to mention shifting my jaw and messing up the TMJ. Luckily, it should take a visit or two to the chiropractor to fix. The swelling has already come down and is barely visible as is the bruise on my chin. These are the facts. I'm not in pain, just a little discomfort. My manager called it in, just to be on the safe side but I refused medical treatment (a trip to the ER), returned to work after holding ice on my chin for 20 minutes or so and continued with my day as though nothing really happened.

I've been accused of exaggerating things to gain attention in my personal life. It's something I definitely do in my creative/writing life but I don't necessarily believe I do that in my personal life. But then again, I am biased. I tend to downplay what's going on in my personal life except when I'm in one of my extreme manic/depressive states and then only with close friends (and in my own mind, too, I guess.) But isn't that what it's like for most of us creative types?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Maybe I'm really not normal. Maybe that's where I over-exaggerate; that I think I'm normal as I'm bouncing from one extreme to another. If this isn't normal than I don't want to be normal. I'm much more closer to a middle range than the extremes I experienced when I was younger. (Some may argue with that but let me assure you, I really was much more extreme years ago.) It's easier to deal with now that the edges are softer.

But when writing fiction, you have to delve into the extremes, the worst possible scenario, so to speak, or your fiction is lackluster and boring. What is the worst thing that could happen to your characters? Conflict. What's the best outcome? Satisfied ending.

This WIP, is difficult for me for a number of reason. One being that I haven't used myself as the MC, I have a hard time getting into her head. She is a blond, popular girl, loved by her family, a business owner, college graduate, widowed with a four year old son. I am a dark haired, introverted black-sheep of the family, college drop-out, single woman with no children. The only thing we have in common is that we're women. It's a start, right? Somehow, I need to put myself in her shoes whereas I usually base my characters on some aspect of myself. I guess, I myself need to grow, right along with my characters.

A couple things I've noticed this week. Allowing myself to write one chapter a week which usually takes me about four hours on one day off of work, I'm allowing myself to cultivate ideas. While writing my script, I wanted to write everyday but would have writers block for days, weeks or months at a time. It took some kind of event, whether large or small, to happen to kick-start my writing again. One such incident was a day that I was relaxing in the hot tub out side overlooking a magnificent view. My thought was "I need to put a hot tub in my script." Next thing I knew, I was off and running. Finished the script within two months of that thought. So instead of getting frustrated over not writing every day as most of the writing guru's suggest, I give the material time to work itself out in my brain.

I'm always a writer. I'm always thinking about writing, thinking about one project or another or coming up with new ideas. When I sit down to write, I review the last few pages or the entire project and then just continue. I've tried every form of writing, from writing everyday, a specific number of words, to a weekly word count goal, to writing when the muse strikes. This seems to be the best way for me. A weekly goal of one chapter is enough to keep me interested in the project and enough time for the muse to strike. This works for me for this project. Next project, next month, next idea may and probably will be a different pace.

The other thing I've noticed recently is that things seem to be much clearer to me. As I've mentioned in my last Blog, I've been watching the entire series of Babylon 5. Usually I just watch it. This time though I'm picking up all the little details that I've missed. The underlying messages are quite clear. (They really need to aire B5 again during this election year and economic downturn. Hopefully someone would at least unconsciously get the message and do something different.) But it's not just B5. I'm reading a book I've read several times already and the messages are coming through loud and clear, much more clearer than ever before. It seems as though my mind was muddied before and now I'm thinking clearly. But it's helping in my personal life and in my writing.

My belief in the whole 2012 thing is that we human beings are about to take a huge evolutionary step ahead. Maybe this clear-headedness is a step in that direction. Or maybe I'm just getting old. Clear-headedness before I start forgetting everything.

So, I guess, it's time to get at it. I hope to get at least one chapter written today if not two. Did get my chapter written last week and I'm pleased with how things are shaping up.

I'm starting ROW80 in the middle of a cycle to get in practice for the next cycle. So I welcome my new ROW80 friends and look forward to getting to know you.

May the Muse be with you.....

Welcome to 2012

2012-02-12T19:29:02Z

The New Year has been strange for me. I feel as though i'm in the aftermath of a depression, which is different. In the past, I've either been in a depression or out of it. I feel pretty good but aware that the holiday depression I suffered could so easily overtake me again. Awareness is good, I guess. I'm looking at the world differently.

I'm reading self-help books again, though I realize that many of them are only a bandage on the problem, it seems to stop the blood flow. I'm reading one now called The Seven Wonders that Will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck. But this one has me taking action, at least journaling about the wonders. I've had many insights into my past that seem to stay with me.

Since I'm a miserable failure in therapy, journaling seems the next best thing-when I do it and when i don't focus on the crap. Writing about the crap is one thing. Delving into it at the expense of my life is another.

I've had a few moments when the crap overtakes me still but they're fewer and far between. I've changed many things in my life, one being that I give myself permission to not write. It seems that these days, I can only write when I make an appointment with another writer to meet and actually write. I'm writing a chapter a week on my newest project, though this project is the most daunting I've ever undertaken.

A 17 book project - a mystery series - that I plan to pitch to an agent once the first book is complete. I'm four chapters in so at a chapter a week, that should take me about 30 weeks, plus a month or two to edit, I should send it off just before NaNo this year and start the next one.

In the meanwhile, I'll commit myself to ScriptFrenzy and the SumNoWriCha (maybe I'll get it done faster if I work on this for the Challenge). I'm actually dreaming about this WIP and getting more inspiration. This piece seems to have taken off when I realized I needed more back story, more character description and that I had a 17 year arc to focus on. For some reason, it was stuck in my head that the characters would remain the same age throughout the 17 year arc. Foolish me. When I realized all that could happen in 17 years, and everything that happened to my characters before the start of the series, the muse started to flow through me.

I must learn to get out of my own way.

But writing a chapter a week seems to be a good pace for me right now. My job hasn't changed - yet. My supervisor still wants to promote me but I'd rather get the h*ll out of retail. So instead of beating myself up over not having the energy at the end of the day to write, I'm doing things that energize me and renew my soul and spirit. One of those things, believe it or not, is watching the entire B5 series from start to finish.

I'm completely amazed and in awe of what J. Michael Straczynsk did with this show. It was the 5 year arc that made me realize my own 17 year arc. All the details that built one upon another in this series that initially only seemed like minor details just blows me away. When I initially watched the show, I started somewhere in Season 2 and then proceeded to miss as many episodes that I watched. And over the years, I just watched them as I acquired them on DVD. This is the first time I've seen them from the Pilot through to the end. I'm watching all the special features and Joe talks a lot about the writing process. And since I was first introduced to the B5 world when Joe wrote for Writer's Digest about ten or more years before it ever hit the air, I'm learning oh-so-much about the process.

And all the spiritual messages thrown into a sci-fi series just tickles me to death. If someone wanted to know my spiritual beliefs, I only need to point to B5. The good news is that the new guy in my life is also a B5 fan.

I know I'm not out of the woods as far as depression is concerned but I'm getting stronger each and every day. Having a major setback could easily happen but I feel I'm better equipped to handle it now.

One of the things that seem to hang me up in my writing and in life too, I guess, is the whole end of the world thing. My brother actually has 12/21/2012 in a countdown to the end of the world. I'm watching for signs just as I've done most of my adult life. As a teenager, I was indoctrinated by Nostradamus and his writings. According to what he wrote, World War III was supposed to take place when I was around 26. Then there was the whole 2000 virus thing and the guy in California thing and many others inbetween. I think these things affected me more than I thought. Not only have I been waiting for my life to start as far as a real relationship was concerned but why bother trying at all if the world's going to end?

So this year, I've made the conscious decision to do it anyway. As far as my writing is concerned, if the world ends in December or I don't survive the end of the world, I will have written the first book in my series. It will be done anyway. If the world doesn't end, then i can write book two. Simple as that. Still working on the whole real relationship thing but that's another story. (pardon the pun).

That's my life. What else can I say?

saying goodbye to 2011

2011-12-11T17:20:37Z

as we near the end of one year and look forward to another, reflection seems to be in order.

it's been the worst of times. it's been the best of times.

oh, someone said that already, but it's never been truer than for me than for this year.

reconnected with an old friend who proclaimed his love for me since he first met me nearly 25 years ago, got engaged only for him to pass away.

grew closer to some family members and grew very distant with others.

major and minor surgeries for several family members but all are doing well, for the most part.

got published for the first time ever but battled with sever writers block to the point where I'd given up writing all together. (only for a few months) lost a lot of the passion I had for writing but I'm now about to embark on a series of mysteries (11 titles so far). Praying for the Passion to return again. Once a writer, always a writer. It's in the blood. I'm lost without words. Recently had a breakthrough as far as building a foundation for believing in myself (hint: when I need to believe in myself, I just need to find something I believe in and dedicate myself to that and self-confidence follows).

been blessed repeatedly this year financially. Been able to barely keep my head above water. Focusing on the Blessings now rather than wondering where my next meal's coming from.

depression grabbed hold of me for the majority of the year but now I have a new weapon against it. I look for the payoff of the depression and realize I don't want that and snap, no more depression.

circle of friends expanded greatly then retracted quite a bit.

but as we come to the end of the year, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and looking to improve myself and everything around me.

so here's to 2012. Best Wishes to you and yours.

Blessings.

and the winner is...

2011-12-01T01:43:04Z

It's that time again....

2011-10-25T00:59:15Z

...and once again my world has turned upside down just in time for NANOWRIMO.

And this year I haven't a clue what I'm gonig to write about. We have roughly 10 days before the start of NaNo and my head is spinning.

Step Dad lost his finger and has been out of work now nearly 3 months.

Mom had open heart surgery (recovering nicely, slowly, but nicely).

Fiance passed away recently. Luckily wedding plans were cancelled long before his passing.

Kitty-sat for three weeks and drove nearly an hour back and forth to work (really love the normal 6 mile commute to work).

Went to Chicago for several weeks for the J.O.B. - worked 17 hour shifts with only one meal break. Being diabetic, that nearly landed me in the hospital. Got many kudos for the best team/best job in the entire district. (Of course, none of the other teams pulled 17 hour shifts.)

Fought with roommate the week I returned from Chicago. Got so bad that I feared for my safety. Took and emergency vacation day from work to look for a new place. Found it and moved out the next day. Still unpacking. No more roommates!!!

Now it's an 11 mile commute.

Haven't found the computer yet. Got to get that set up before Kick-Off.

Going to be another fun-filled whirl-wind NaNo.

So looking forward to it.

Let's make it official:

"About Me"

2011-07-31T00:15:51Z

Writing "about me," here's the thing,
we think it has a majestic ring,
to keep it short and to the point,
and not wanting to disappoint.
Husband. Father. Writer. Poet.
He left out one thing and didn't know it.
Maybe that's his way of being safe,
of never hurting or being chafed,
to keep his distance and hide behind,
an excuse that keeps him blind,
no need to be held accountable,
when obstacles are insurmountable,
what is that one word he didn't mention,
the one he comes by with such apprehension?
FRIEND.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

fragile

2011-07-31T00:08:47Z

They call me fragile.
Don't really understand why.
Born at 3 pounds, 4 ounces,
and this li'l' cuss fought to survive;
left the hospital 45 days later;
hadn't even heard from my Mum, a lullaby,

I've lived through abuse, rape and neglect,
kept the secret when I was molested
by two different men. Beaten by Mum.
Abandoned by Dad. Real father contested.
Many relationship ruined; friends and lovers alike,
and even came really close once to being arrested.

Too often I find myself in solitude;
spending many a day and night alone,
convincing myself that it really doesn't matter,
often wondering if someone's cut off my phone,
reaching out to others and calling old friends,
wishing someone would throw me a bone,

Fragile is just not a word
someone would use to describe oneself
most things are easy for me to handle
except for spending Christmas by myself,
or being broke at the holidays
or being broke in and of itself

Money is a trigger that sends me swirling
much too close to the eternal abyss,
everything spirals completely out of control,
when groceries don't get bought and payments are missed
so when they insist that I am fragile
maybe it's just me who is amiss,

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

time to let go

2011-07-30T23:53:41Z

it just angers you further
when your mean and hateful words
no longer bother me

but you say things that you'll wish
you could take back,
the deed is done

and though I'll always love you
and I've forgiven you already
the trust is gone

I'm not a yo-yo you can throw out
and expect to come back
when you're no longer angry

I hope you can forgive yourself
for losing the "love of your life"
before the end

it's time to let go

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

old and new

2011-07-30T23:46:46Z

I'm about to start a brand new life,
but yet I'm the same old me,
if I'm about to start everything anew
I must find a lot of integrity,

confrontation, I fight hard to avoid,
and I try really hard not to hurt those I love,
I used to pride myself on brutal honesty
but now that seems to be what I'm most afraid of,

it's now time to be completely honest - with me,
no more half truths, and no more hiding,
and all my justifications are out of the question,
no more struggling and no more fighting,

for it's me I must face in the mirror every day,
to live with myself till I'm old and gray,
it's judgement of myself to which I will dearly pay,
and meaning for my life, only I ultimately have a say.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray